I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she woke up with a sticky ear
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
