I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
