Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Pants are for mortals
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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