i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
