Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
