Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
