there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
