I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You took a bar mat shot.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
