My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
