I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
