Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
