$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
