I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
