This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
