I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
