All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
