Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
it was like having sex with a tree stump
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
