dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
