my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
