You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
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I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
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I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
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