Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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