everyone is single if you try hard enough
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
