I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
