Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
