Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
