Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
