there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
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Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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