you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
