If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
