Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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