I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
