I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
