oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
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