the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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