There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
