did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
