I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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