your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
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