Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
