What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
