your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
