for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
