my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
