Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You are a genius and a whore.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
