sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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