The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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