Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
