Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
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Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
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I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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