My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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