How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
