every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
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We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
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We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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