i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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