im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Who died my cat blue again?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
