I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
