Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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