In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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