My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
