do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
